India: The Journey Begins
“I want to go home.” These were the thoughts waging war against my excitement as the plane flew over Denver; a measly 3 hours into what turned out to be a 52-hour journey across the world.
Hot silent tears began to stream down my cheeks as images of everything I left behind started to flood into my mind. Luckily the flight was lightly booked and no one was seated next to me to witness my noiseless struggle, but it didn’t matter if no one was watching or if a stadium full of people set their gaze upon me:
I felt completely alone.
The reality of what I had done had officially set in and I was passed the point of no return. I was leaving to India for 6 weeks to study yoga, meditation, and the art of healing, and unless I had the balls to open the emergency exit door and parachute down to “safety” I was on this rollercoaster until the end.
What the hell was I thinking?!?! It was only back in April that I had my complete emotional breakdown (which I now refer to as my personal unraveling) and now here I am traveling by myself… to a country I have never been before… where I know no one… and do not speak the language?!?! Oh and I have only just recently begun to feel as if I can walk myself through a panic attack with the helpful comforts of my home routine … the sarcastic and moderately condescending voice began to whirlpool in my mind: “let’s see how this goes”, as if I was half warning myself of what panic attacks could happen over the course of the next month, and half pumping myself up for what could be the journey of a lifetime!
It took about 15 minutes of sniffles to realize what I was doing. I was shaming myself: “The yoga instructor who panics.” “the stressed out yogini” “the too sensitive 27-year-old-girl traveling alone” “you need Jon here” “ you need mom and dad to fix things if they break” “what are you going to do?!”.
All of a sudden I heard Jon’s voice creating a soothing emotional melody in my head: “use the tools you have”. And as quickly as I heard his loving words in my mind, I began to meditate.
I am in the temple of quietness.
Peace fills my body.
Peace fills my heart and dwells within my love.
Peace within. Without. Everywhere.
Infinite peace surrounds my life and permeates all the moments of my existence.
Peace unto myself.
Peace unto my family.
Peace unto my home.
Peace unto my Nation.
Peace unto my WORLD.
Peace unto my COSMOS.
P. yogananda
Within a few minutes I was asleep. The kind of cant-wake-up-drooling-knocked-out-cold-deep-sleep you only get after an exhausting day and a good cry. After a few hours I awoke, calmer this time, ready to reflect on what the heck just happened.
As I began to sift through the chaos of the past few hours Brenè Brown’s book (The Gifts of Imperfection) came into my mind, and brought with it a flash of courage and peace! I was totally shaming myself! Freaking myself out that I am not enough. . . not strong enough, not smart enough, not trusting enough. All of which were complete lies.
The funny thing about shame is its completely internal and can only survive when kept a secret . . . that’s how it feeds: on ideas of perfection, acting as a solitary punishment. It was Brenè who said “shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story… it cant survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy.” So here I am sitting on the terminal floor with my laptop out, stomach growling, bags under my eyes large enough that you could land a plane on them, writing my story.
Who gives a shit if I was homesick 3 hours into a 6-week journey? I have a pretty amazing life and its ok that I miss the familiarity of it! I have an unbelievably supportive husband and family, a safe home and the job of my dreams… I guess it took being in a completely unfamiliar situation to help me realize how much I had taken them all for granted.
I called my dad and told him how great the trip was so far, even with the hiccups: incorrect plane tickets, having to check my carry on bag, and getting grossly overcharged at LAX. Just hearing him laugh at my stories of what the glorious Delhi food courts have to offer brought the biggest smile to my face!
I CAN DO THIS! IM ALREADY DOING THIS! I don’t have to be completely brave; I don’t even have to put on a brave face to my friends/family/students back home about my experience. I choose to tell my tale honestly, all of it: emotional upheavals and spiritual highs!
Many have asked me why I wanted to go to India for my 500Hour Yoga Therapy certification. The answer is simple: because it scares the living crap out of me and traveling alone has always been something I wanted to do in my life. Now, this may not make sense to some, but I put it out there like this: to learn how to swim you practice swimming. To learn how to be brave you practice being brave.
So here I am across the world by myself facing one of my greatest fears. And I kind of LOVE IT. I love how the thick Delhi smog that smacked me across the face as I walked across the tarmac is now almost comforting, how the faces of the people here have morphed from scary people who could hurt me into faces full of light and love. I am finding myself fascinated by all of the new experiences, sights and sounds, and I am beginning to root down into ME. Feeling at home in my skin, even though everything else is unfamiliar. Transforming my dreams into reality and my fears into amazing adventures.
Stay tuned!!!!