India: Lightbulb Moments
How the hell did this happen again? I didn’t raise my hand. I tried to be out of the limelight. I didn’t speak up . . . and yet my classmates selected me as our group’s leader. Maybe it was the fact that I was the only one who completed our Guru Ji’s homework assignment. Maybe it was because I was the only one who could stick a handstand on the first day. Or because I was the only one who could properly pronounce everyone's name. I have no idea, but somehow this always seems to happen . . .
I have been told time and time again in my life that I am a “natural leader” (ugh I shutter at those words just looking at them). Already, it has been said to me 3 times during my stay here: twice by students at AYM and once by the employees at the front desk. But what no one knows is that I hate being the one out in front. Haven’t they seen any horror movies?!? The person in the very front or the very back is always the first one to go! Why can’t I be comfortably in the middle?! Why can’t I coast by unnoticed?
It actually wasn’t until I came to India that I realized that being responsible for others, in roles such as these, is something that really bothers me and I do not enjoy. I love teaching yoga and guiding students through difficult asana classes, but being a group leader always meant more work and more pressure for the same gain. Remember those horrible group projects at school? There was always one person who ended up doing all of the work (caughMEcaugh) while everyone shared the same grade. I still remember those long nights of staying up late frantically trying to complete what my “partners” had failed to do. It wasn’t until my second day that I made the self-discovery that being ‘the one in front’ was a source of discomfort.
A group of 10 new arrivals (all of whom had a different primary language) wanted to go into town and didn’t know the way. I figured that because I had been in Rishikesh for a day already and had mastered multiple paths from the ashram to the city that I should help out and take them all down to my beloved bridge. “Should” is a now very dirty word in my dictionary.
I needed to get back to the ashram by 4:15p for a yoga class that all 300Hour students needed to attend. It was 1:45p, this meant I had 2 ½ hours to take them into town and back again to ensure that they knew the route. Just walking there and back takes 50 minutes give or take a traffic jam or cow-tastrophe, so we were on a tight schedule but it was doable. As soon as we left AYM I realized that I had made a huge mistake. Even though I had explained to everyone that I and 1 other student (Staci) needed to be back quickly 9 out of the 10 women started to lag far behind . . . just walking into town was going to take longer than I anticipated so I started to calculate in my head what adjustments I needed to make to be sure that I was on time (I despise being late!). By the time I reached the first shop half of the girls in the group had disappeared inside to look around! (AGH! What are they DOING!?!?!) It was like corralling cats trying to keep everyone together. As soon as I had found 2 people at a vendor, I turned around and 3 others had pulled a Houdini and disappeared. I had forgotten about the language barrier and quickly decided to use whatever Spanish, Vietnamese, and French I could remember to tell them to “move quickly” and stay together. Rapidamente! Cách nhanh chóng! Rapidement! Let’s go!
-Thank YOU mom for encouraging me to learn as many languages as I could while growing up!-
It was no use. . . nothing would get these girls to move faster. They were having too much fun seeing the route for the first time, and I didn’t blame them! My first walk I was captivated by everything new and unfamiliar, but I also didn’t have someone who offered to show me the way.
55 LONG minutes later we made it to the town center, we were still 5 minutes away from the actual bridge . . . I couldn’t take it any more. No one seemed to understand the urgency of going back to the ashram whether they spoke English or not, and my stress levels were rising. I was in India to learn how to reduce my stress, and here I was intensifying it! Something had to be done. I confided in Staci that we would need to tell them that they were on their own from here so that she and I could make it back on time. Staci, who had stayed beside me the entire time, was in full agreement.
I informed the group that we were running late and I would have to leave them here; they knew the way into town and that they would have to make their own way back following the path we took (THANK GOD I TOOK THEM THE SIMPLE WAY FIRST!). Everyone was very understanding and enjoyed the fact that they had as long as they wanted to stay in the city and explore. Everyone except one . . . there is always one. An older woman from northern California decided that this would simply not do (I didn’t realize that she wanted me to be her personal, unpaid tour guide). She gave me lip and said that she needed me to show her where everything in town was, specifically an ATM, something that I myself hadn’t located yet. When I told her I didn’t know where it was she scoffed at me and said “I thought you knew this city well, why are you taking us if you don’t know where you are going?” The rudeness in her tone made me want to slap the Botox right out of her face… instead I took a breath and decided to calmly respond rather than react: “I never said I knew the city well. I said I knew the road to town well. Also we (Staci and I) had to leave in 10 minutes to go back to the Ashram for class because the walk took twice as long as it should have because everyone kept stopping to look in the shops. I’m really sorry, but you’re going to have to figure it out. Ill see you back at AYM later.” I felt badly for all of the horrible names I called that woman in my head, and tried to rationalize how she could be so rude if she was at a yoga teacher training: She must be tired. She must be afraid. She must have insecurities she is working through. I continued the list in my head for the next 15 minutes as Staci and I hurriedly gathered the items we needed and began our walk/jog uphill back to AYM. . . luckily we took the shortcut and made it back 10 minutes before class. I was exhausted, mentally, physically and spiritually. Luckily yoga was exactly what I needed to let go of the negativity of the walk and create space for self-reflection.
That night I called Jon and told him about the day’s events and had one of those magical light bulb moments of clarity: “Just because I’m good at something doesn’t mean I have to do it. I really don’t enjoy being responsible for other people. It totally stresses me out because it makes me feel like I have control, but ultimately I have no control over anything. It’s too exhausting! I am not going to make that mistake again.” Jon had the biggest smile on his face hearing me say what he had known for so many months, if not years . . . “I think that is a really good idea, Dani.”
All my life up until this point I thought I wanted leadership roles. I enjyed having the power to create change, and when I was younger I just enjoyed having power. Nuff said. At the age of 8 I started my first club, The Endangered Species Club, by 5th grade I was running for class president (I lost), by 7th grade I was elected, 8th elected again, and so on and so forth all the way up until I graduated high school as co-Senior class president. I was co-captain of the varsity waterpolo and swim teams, lead delegate in Model United Nations, the list could go on but just writing it out makes me feel exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being in positions that granted me teacher’s favor and certain perks (like front row parking in high school…a very coveted thing when there are 1,000 cars and only 700 spots).
But I was also sick for most of my life. Every year like clockwork I would become ill, whether it was the flu, strep throat, colds, or mystery illnesses that kept me in bed for weeks, and in my sophomore year- months. It wasn’t until I found yoga that I started to recognize that I was the one making me sick. I was too busy, overworked, and had the stress levels of a 50 year old Wall Street Broker. But it wasn’t until this year that I really began to figure things out. This year the stress literally broke me and I began to have daily panic attacks, and constant nausea which led to me loosing 10 pounds and completely distrusting my body. This also put a STOP on my life. Everything I had been working for was put on hold. I had to take time off of work, I even had to tell my husband I didn’t want to have children yet (something we had already started trying to do) because I was too afraid I would be a terrible mother because of my chronic stress. This broke my heart because being a mom was the one thing I growing up that I thought I would be amazing at. He understood, but it was plain to see the sadness within him. The hurt that he felt when he realized that no matter how many times he told me how wonderful I was, that I didn’t let myself believe him.
It took me months to get out of that black hole of depression… and I am still navigating myself away from it, doing my best not to get sucked back in. Its part of the reason I came to India: to heal. So how could this be happening again?! How could I change how I approach situations and still have the same outcome of being put in charge of other people and held responsible for them? I know that the situation today is a little different . . . all I have to do is write up a cleaning schedule and make sure that the yoga studio is kept organized. But now I feel exposed. Labeled.
After Guru Ji officially announced that I would be in charge, half of my classmates came up to me asking me for help: help with their postures, their studies, help translating something, help making their sequences (the homework they were supposed to complete last night). And I didn’t want to . . .
I know that sounds selfish, maybe even rude, but I came here for me. What they don’t see is that I struggle as much as they do. I get confused and need clarification. I have difficulties with postures. I am still learning, just as much as anyone else, though it may appear different. But things are not always as they appear.
I could have said “no” when they selected me, but I am still learning the art of refusal. The good news is that I told everyone that I wouldn’t be able to help them today (a small personal victory, but also a momentous one). So I made the cleaning schedule and placed it under everyone’s door. Because there are 11 of us, myself included, I decided that keeping the same schedule each week would be less pressure on me and as a bonus gives everyone a few extra days off. We would clean in 4 groups of 2 and 1 group of 3 Monday-Friday and rest on Saturday and Sunday, rather than have an unlucky 4 people clean multiple times a week or risk having to write a schedule that rotated leaving someone lost in translation. No one complained in fact they all loved what I came up with. Maybe that’s what they mean by “natural leader”, someone who can figure things out for the majority, maybe not. I don’t know. . . All I know is that if they ask me again tomorrow I will have another opportunity to practice the art of saying “no”.
This evening after dinner I decided to confide my struggles in Guru Ji and tell him what was bothering me. He responded by saying, “You are not committed to anything other than yourself and your practice. Meditate on the positive. Positivity can change an existence. If you don’t want to do it you don’t have to, but there is no pressure on you other than what you put on yourself.” How does he always manage to sound like the quotes on my Pinterest board?!
I took his advice and went back to my room and meditated on the positive aspects of being selected.
Here’s what I came up with:
1. I had full power of selection as to whom I got to clean with and on what day.
2. By being selected it showed that my classmates trust me. We have all known one another for the same amount of time, but they selected me. What does that say about who I am and the energy I put out? Maybe its time I start trying to see in myself what others can observe so clearly.
3. There is no pressure other than that which I place upon myself. If I don’t want to be stressed out by the title of “Leader” then I was the one who was fully capable of removing said stress.
4. It is only for 5 weeks.
5. It is only a cleaning schedule and took less than 2 minutes to create.
6. I like how the schedule turned out.
7. It will be ok because it doesn’t really matter in the end.
8. If the room is dirty it has no impact on whether or not I get my diploma.
9. If the room is dirty it does not reflect badly on me.
10. I was part genius and had everyone write down their room number on the schedule. If someone forgets I can simply go to his or her room and remind them, or have them make it up on a Saturday or Sunday.
Maybe being a natural leader is not such a bad thing after all. Maybe the only person making it bad is me because I was carrying of all of the negative experiences of my past into my present. Maybe its time to realize that I don’t need to put so much pressure on myself. Maybe, just maybe, being a natural leader is something good, something that many have to work at and I was fortunate enough to be blessed with. Maybe its time I start appreciating the skills that have come to me with such ease. Maybe I just need to take a breath, focus on the positive, and enjoy the ride.
If at any point I do not like what is happening, I can always go to Guru Ji and practice the art of saying “no”.