One Year Later
It has been one year since I stepped outside of my comfort zone and traveled to India by myself. Exploring the beautiful country that completely stole my heart and has been the source of my dreams ever since. It was the most incredible journey of my life... the new discoveries of places around me, the people I met, and ultimately the unveiling of new layers of who I was and what I was capable of. One year later I am completely different, and yet entirely the same.
I think thats whats interesting about growing up, aging, whatever you want to call it. Some aspects of ourselves stay from infancy all the way through to the end of our torches flame, others qualities and traits change daily.
I find I am still faced with fears to break through...some larger than I ever imagined, but now I have moments from my past to call upon as sources of strength and comfort. I recognize that so much of who I am in this moment is completely impermanent, but the struggle of seeing that versus fully accepting it is my newest mountain to climb.
You see, here I sit now 5 1/2 months pregnant and everything is different and the same. My body, something I understand as being completely temporary, has shifted into an unfamiliar realm and I find myself grappling with defaming thoughts everyday. I struggle with the new processes and procedures I now partake in, and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable has taken on a whole new meaning.
Im not sure if being pregnant is the true source of my discomfort. I actually enjoy the new sensations it brings with it, and Im finally able to feel our little mermaid moving inside which has connected me to her (yes... her) in an entirely new way. I think I am uncomfortable because I decided to do 3 completely life-altering things at once. I have never been good about making things "easy" for myself, but I find that I don't mind it anymore because I recognize that I grow stronger every time I make it through to the other side. And let me tell you... if I make it through this time in my life, which I know I will, I will be more fierce than ever before.
In the span of 3 months I discovered I was pregnant, left my job to start a new business, and my husband and I moved. I honestly don't know what the hell we were thinking. I cried a lot, and had to work through the most intense exhaustion I have ever put myself through. I remember India, waking up before the sun and crawling to my yoga mat for 2 1/2 hours of practice, walking 10 kilometers around town, coming back for more yoga, cleaning, and study, and falling into bed at night with sweet expenditure only to rest more heavily that I ever had before. Well let me tell you this... that doesn't have SHIT on what I have accomplished in the past few months! HAHAHAHA. I don't know if I would have been able to to do had I not had that experience though. And if only I knew then how much more I had inside.
For 5 months I have been ill, forget morning sickness... its ALL DAY sickness. I have woken up and gotten myself together to go to work, put on a happy face, worked a full day building a business that my family's livelihood now depends on, came home to be with my partner, gave attention to the dog/cat, and fell into bed with a not so sweet exhaustion- more like the drooling profusely onto my pillow exhaustion- only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. Luckily the sickness has gotten better in the past few weeks, but its there and reminds me daily that Im not alone. But thats a subject to dive deeper into another time.
Everything is different, yet the same. I still have struggles in my life, and I have great moments of triumph. I work on myself, and practice letting go. I love yoga, but have had to alter my practice completely. I eat, and eat, and eat some more, but choices in food have shifted. Meditation, my body, my mind, where I live, the people around me, what I do, everything is different and the same.
Its a beautiful existence we have as humans. and when we find a moment to pause, to really pause, and look around and inside ourselves, each day is an exciting discovery.