RAWsome Mind: Ramblings of a Tired Mom

Its not about me any more.

I knew that this was a part of motherhood. I knew that I would need to give up pieces of myself in order to take care of my daughter in the way that I want. That I probably wouldn’t be able to work out to the same extent that I did before; that I would need to work around her schedule instead of her working around mine, and that my physical form would take time to adjust.

But today… I’m just frustrated and exhausted. I predicted that I would have to make many adjustments and that they would lead to some deep introspection, but I what I didn’t expect was so many things from my past starting to creep back into my head creating havoc.  These are things that I thought I dealt with and moved on from, but what I’m figuring out is that they never really left. Those self-harming voices carrying with them lies that you aren’t good enough, pretty enough, or working hard enough.

Its like having cancerous thoughts… the process of working through these harming thoughts can leave you with going into remission… sometimes they never come back, sometimes they hit you hard, and other times they tries to kill you instantly.

Having my daughter has been an amazing experience. But having the body left over from that experience is less than thrilling.

7 years ago I lost 60lbs. Even more amazing I kept that weight off for 5 years! And then I got pregnant. I had fanciful ideas of me doing deadlifts and handstands while pregnant. I mean come on! I was in the fitness industry! I know what to eat, how to keep fit, and what creams I could make at home to prevent stretch marks. HOLY HELL WAS I WRONG!

Not only did I deal with 6 months of near non-stop vomit fests, but I also had unbelievable hip pain, sciatica, and a boat load of stress that all prevented me from doing things as I planned. I made stretch mark creams and salves that worked all the way up until 2 weeks prior to my daughters birth. Talk about a mind-fuck! I was right at the end, thinking that I made it through the experience untarnished, when tiger stripes appeared beneath my belly button.

Now I am faced with entirely new mountains to climb, like how to cook well for myself AND take yoga AND keep the house clean AND meditate AND grow my business AND care for my daughter, husband, dog, and cat. Just looking at that list puts a knot in my stretched out stomach.

I avoid the hardest things to face, and focus on the easy ones… and believe it or not, but taking care of the baby, hubs, house, and pets are  the easy ones. Working on myself… not so easy. Why? Because then I actually have to do something about it.

My yoga mat, once my best friend, has been tucked away in a dusty corner of my closet. I’ve been too afraid to step onto it and face what I have been avoiding. My practice is gone, my body is heavy once again, and that amazing talent I had before has been crushed from months of inactivity and bad posture from breastfeeding. Im 5 pounds lighter than I was when my first transformative journey began… and now I have to do it all over again. The early mornings, sore muscles, the mind hurdles to jump… all of it. FUCK. This is going to suck.  

It wasn’t until yesterday, as I sat crying on the couch that I realized … HOLY SHIT I HAVE A BIG FUCKING EGO! Its gotten way out of hand and I didn’t even realize it! I am not taking yoga because I’m afraid to see how tight my body has become and how uninspiring my asanas are?!? Who am I?! When the hell did I forget the RAW truth that yoga is not about what the poses look like? Its an inward journey. 

I can so freely give this statement to new students in my class, but for some reason looking in the mirror today and saying it to myself I don’t believe it. Maybe its because now people know who I am when I step into the yoga studio. They look at me practice when they think I’m not looking, and I am now going through these changes with an audience.

But here’s the reality: if I’m looking at them, looking at me, then I’m not really doing yoga… am I? I’m practicing EGO if I’m flowing through asanas wondering if the person behind me is judging my use of blocks, or questioning why I dropped to my knees in each chuttarunga.

Somewhere between getting pregnant and today my 3rd chakra- center of my self-worth- got WAAAAAYYYYY out of whack. Makes sense since that’s where River grew for 10 months and now Im left with an empty kangaroo pouch desperate to be tightened and filled with strength.

Well, no ones going to do it for me…. I guess I better get started.