RAWsome Mind: Waking in the Night

 Have you ever had a thought that wakes you up in the middle of the night? The one that has the power to keep you awake for hours running different fear-laden scenarios over and over like a record stuck on a loop. I have. Last night at 2:45am I woke up to feed River and as I set her back down to sleep my mind was consumed by every fear that has been hiding in the deep recesses of my overworked brain. I tried to fight them, recognizing how utterly irrational many of them were. I tried to beat them away repeating to myself "trust, just trust. It will be ok." But nothing could calm my rapidly beating heart.

I cuddled into my peacefully sleeping child hoping my friend oxytocin would come to the rescue and calm me.... an hour passed and I am still awake. I consider waking up Jon to have him tell me it will be ok.... but he has been working 16 hour days for a week. I touch his shoulder gently and say his name, he sleepily mutters a response, and overrun by guilt from waking him up I tell him to go back to bed. Another hour passes, the darkness growing with every minute. I have breathed deeply, I have tried meditating, I have tried thinking of Disney songs, nothing is working. This is the moment when I decided instead of fighting the current, exhausting myself with every stroke, I need to turn into it.

If I deliberately swam into the deep end of darkness and acknowledged each fear as it came what would result? What would happen if I named every single one... if I allowed myself to look the beast directly into its eyes? So I did. I took a long inhale, let it go completely, and began. Every fear, every doubt, every hidden thought rose to the surface like oil on water. And as I peeled away each layer getting closer to the core of what was keeping me awake my eyelids got heavier and my body began to calm. I kept digging; every time I wanted to look away and distract myself I stared harder... I would not be a prisoner of my own mind.

I have been that before and there is nothing more maddening! And all at once there is was: the tough conversation I had earlier in the day was real. I put everything out on the table and I was completely exposed. I would now have to go from here and take the next step. I am now being held accountable and can not put off the action that needs to happen any longer. Daylight is creeping through the half closed blinds now, the baby is starting to stir- ready for her next meal, and the clock reads 5:00am. I am exhausted and at the same time at peace. I know what I have to do, and I can't distract myself from it anymore. It's time.